How to marry the wrong person

1. Expect the other person to change after you're married.
Never marry potential. If you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. When it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills and habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

2. Focus on chemistry rather than character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. Even when the attraction is there, have you carefully checked out this person's character?

Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that doing the right thing is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

3. Pick someone who does not share your life goals.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person: chemistry and compatibility, share common interests and share common life goal. Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provides.

After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for - while you're single - and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate - two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

4. Pay no attention to that deeper emotional connection.
Do I respect and admire this person? It is not the same as being impressed by the person. We are impressed by a Mercedes; we do not respect someone because they own one. You should look for qualities such as creativity, loyalty and determination.

5. Choose someone with whom you do not feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself?

Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you do not feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. There's a big difference between controlling and making suggestions. A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for the other person's benefit.

6. Do not put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment, whether you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you.

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

7. Use the marriage to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

8. Pick someone who is involved in a triangle.
A person who is involved in a triangle is who is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A classic example is someone who hasn't separated from his or her parents.

People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.